10 Downing Street – who did Cameron use to sell?

David Cameron left number 10 Downing Street today and handed over the keys to Theresa May in possibly the quickest exchange and completion ever – apart from pub ownership exchange in “Eastenders” or “Coronation Street.”

I know he was caught on camera humming a little tune the other day on Downing Street, so I can guess he feels no bitterness, but only relief.

Relief at handing over the property and the job that goes with it to Mrs May, a woman who, some say, makes Margaret Thatcher look like Nelson Mandela.

I wonder though, in all seriousness, how Cameron went about it.

Did he ring three estate agents or simply plump for a local property expert and territory owner of Downing Street, using the cult of Purple Bricks? Did he ring Russell Quirk from emoov for advice? Or window shop some agents on Whitehall? Or did he just post a plaintive Facebook status or LinkedIn update to get the ball rolling?

Did he need to use an estate agent at all?

We all knew it was Mother Theresa or Andrea Loathsome who had been clicking through on Rightmove.

Which solicitor did he use? Was it one who advised him that a referendum would be a good career move? Or one who knew of his predilection for forgetting things and so explicitly excluded the Cameron children (and Larry the cat) from the fixtures and fittings list so he would remember to pack them?

What about his new home? Is he going into social housing now he’s jobless, or affordable homes on a new estate north of Watford, or is his late father’s tax planning allowing him to buy the equivalent of a west Midlands town?

Did he get a removal firm to help? Or did Michael Gove, Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson kindly muck in with a white van, seeing as he’s on unemployment benefits, largely caused by them.

Will his new home have a police officer as a doorbell? Or will he have to make do, like the rest of us, with just a doorbell?

What’s he going to do to while away his hours now?

What level is he on with Candy Crush?

Is he going to be found in public libraries using the books and internet services his government so badly wanted to destroy?

I know this much though.

I won’t be shedding any tears for his departure from Downing Street, or Theresa May’s imminent eviction from the Big Brother house.

Brexit, and the divisions it’s exposed in this country, is a crying shame. Just as the schisms in the opposition are a shame too.

I think British politics has reached a nadir and the sooner there’s a real political change the better.

We need a new government, a new opposition, a new way forward, one that puts integrity and honour before self-interest and self-advancement.

Tonight, Theresa May will be introducing her dalmatians to Downing Street, but I’d advise her not to get too comfortable as I believe there is change afoot.

It may not be Corbyn, or an Eagle landing, but I think Mrs May will be on her way, and soon.

David, one last tip, take a photo of the meter readings on the way out of 10 Downing Street – that way you won’t be stung for unexpectedly high energy bills, like the rest of us.

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